It's All Geek to Me:
tales of the Greek Gods by Leah Samul
Litha 91: Honky Woman
ŠLeah Samul, Sub-Urban Shaman, 1991
[It seems that everywhere we look, people are getting into Native American stuff. North American, South American, Central American, it really doesn't matter as long as you can make yourself feel like you're something other than your own honky self. Now, it occurs to us here at CNL that we ought to jump on the bandwagon and make some money on this trend before it runs itself out. And so, for the mere price of our newsletter, you get this ancient Native American prayer that has been adapted to modern day use. Unlike other groups, we're not going to tell you that a percentage of the profits from this rag will go towards water beds for the descendents of the Anasazi or some other noble cause for tribal people--we need all the money we can get to keep ahead of the collection agencies.]
(With sincere apologies to the late, great Maria Sabina; I hope her spirit has a sense of humor.)
Honky Woman am I
woman of the suburbs am I
woman who eats big Macs am I
woman with a messy house am I
woman whose computer is crashing am I
woman whose children poop in their diapers am I
farting woman am I, belching woman am I, dialing for dollars woman am I
food processor woman am I, Oprah Winfrey woman am I
supermarket woman am I, says:
buy the cheap mayonnaise
buy the cheap Kleenex
buy the cheap chicken fryers at 69 cents a lb.
buy the cheap generic floor wash
buy a lottery ticket so we can all get rich and purchase more Pre-Columbian art works that were ripped off from the Huichols or some other such primitive culture am I
culture that seems cool to middle class Honkys says:
We take your American Express-yourself card
we take your Master Race card
We take your USA Dollars, but please don't send us any more Shirley McLaines or Lynn Andrews because they are such dingbats, says
Woman of holy water am I
the water from my Maytag, the holy tears that give life to my dirty clothes
the water from the laundromat, the holy tears that save my monthly drought allotment
the water from my garden hose drips holy H2O tears onto my lawn, which I paid a landscaper $5,000 to fix up, especially the back yard that has the St Francis of Assisi Bird bath and the American flag
Whirling woman am I
Beating drum woman am I
Beating off woman am I
Dildo woman am I, says,
Buy that sex toy, all acts of love and pleasure are her rituals
Eat that chocolate cake, you can lose the calories tomorrow in aerobics
class
Workout woman am I
Iron supplement woman am I
Anorexic who lives on vitamins and tofu woman, am I
Bulemic woman who worships daily at the porcelain commode shrine, am I
May the Holy Virgin of the Tortilla bless the dashboard of your BMW
May the Gods bless your CD's, your tape decks
May all the spirits bless your doctor who continually refills your tranquilizer
prescription, and may you find peace of mind, or at least stupefaction, in sleep)