It's All Geek to Me:
tales of the Greek Gods by Leah Samul
Mabon 91: Fun with Latin: Translating Useful Everyday Phrases into an Ancient and Practically Useless Language
Yeah, I know--you're wondering why this month's Greek column is dedicated to Latin, right? Elementary, my dear Watson. If I translated everyday sayings into ancient Greek, I'd have to type them in a Greek font. And then, most of you would never be able to read them because most of you don't know the Greek alphabet. So this month, CNL goes Latin! (Put down the fruit basket and maracas, Carmen Miranda, I'm talking about ancient Latin.)
You see, no matter what you want to say, it will sound better in Latin. More sophisticated, more clever, more impressive; this is a language where you can really be a big-time intellectual snob. Plus the extra bonus of no one being able to understand you. Think of all the insulting remarks and comeback lines you've always yearned to spit out. And if someone does happen to understand one of your Latin remarks, well, you've met another Classics devotee and the two of you will probably have a good laugh (and maybe even some nookie -- I know our readership will love that) . So without further delay, let's Carpe Diem (seize the day) and have a go at it.
Small Talk/Conversation Fillers
• Hot enough for you?
Satine caloris tibi est?
• I think we're on the same wavelength.
Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
• You know what I think? I think...
Visne scire quod credam? Credo...
• . . . that all wrestling is fixed.
. . . lictationes omnes praestitutas esse.
• . . .that flying saucers are real.
. . .orbes volantes exstare.
• . . .that Elvis is still alive.
. . .Elvem ipsum etiam vivere.
Bumper Stickers
• I Brake For Animals
Frena pro feris teneo.
• When Catapults Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Catapults.
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum, soli proscripti catapultas habebunt.
Insults
• You are a total asshole.
Podex perfectus es.
• You are definitely from Mars.
De stella Martis vere venisti.
• Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum!
For Sports Fans
• I hate Astroturf.
Gramen artificiosum odi.
• The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
• How about those Forty-Niners?
Quid sentis de Undequinquagintis?
Latin in the Business World
• Xerox this.
Huius Xerographiam fac.
• You're fired!
Ego te demitto!
• Let's do lunch, really!
Prandeamus, vere!
• Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
• Garbage in, garbage out.
Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Famous Movie Lines in Latin
• Make my day.
Fac ut gaudeam.
• Round up the usual suspects.
Conlige suspectos semper habitos.
• You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
Latin for the Disgusting Rabble on the Streets
• I do not have any spare change.
Est mihi nullus nummus superfluus.
• I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
• If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
Threats in Latin for the Intellectually Superior
• If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
• Watch out; you might end up divided into three parts, like Gaul.
Prospice tibi; ut Gallia, tu quoque in tres partes dividaris.
• People will soon be referring to you in the past pluperfect tense.
In tempore praeterito plus quam perfecto de te mox dicent.
• Oh yeah? Your mother!
Itane? Tua Mater!
Latin for Embarrassing Situations
• Your fly is open.
Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
• Your slip is showing.
Subucula tua apparet.
• You have been misusing the subjunctive.
Abutebaris modo subjunctivo.
Latin When Speaking to a Psychiatrist
• Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.
Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum.
• I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
Getting Nasty in Latin
• May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum anvadant!
• May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
• May you always misuse the subjunctive!
Utinam modo subiunctivo semper male utaris!
Getting Really Nasty
• I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
So there you have it. Latin for every occasion. Now, you may not have suspected it, but this is actually a very sneaky book review. (How else am I going to get away with using all this material without writing to the publisher for permission?) The book I got all this from is titled (surprise) Latin For All Occasions (Villard Books, Random House), by that brilliant satirist, Henry Beard. Poor Henry took eight years of Latin -- count 'em, eight years! This dude deserves some kind of reward for all that effort. I hereby urge all of our (very highly educated and extremely intelligent) readership to buy this little treasure of sayings in Latin. And until next time, this is Leah of the Greek column; Abeo! (I'm outa here!))