A Field Guide to Modern Witches
By Valerie Walker
CNL, Samhain 1989
...but some things never change.
The
Witch at Work: Most Witches who
hold a straight day-gig go to work in disguise, so it is not fair to judge
them by their working clothes, which are usually the standard dress-for-success
Yuppie uniform with the big fat running shoes. This is pure camouflage.
The closet Witch in the office may sometimes be detected by the occasional
discreet silver pentacle hanging from her neck or the white marks from
all the rings she strips off from 9 to 5; but a more valuable clue is
her continual bitching about quitting this damn job and moving to Seattle.
This, or course, is not conclusive; lots of non-Witches are quitting their
jobs and moving to Seattle, but they're in the minority.
The Witch at Play: It
is much easier to spot the different styles of Witch during leisure hours.
There are two main groups, Old-Style and New-Style, which can further
be subdivided as follows:
Old-Style Witches:
• The Political Witch:
This woman (they are almost exclusively female) is usually at least
in her late thirties, and has been active in the Craft for years. Due
to her hectic schedule and political correctness, this woman rarely
thinks about what to do with her hair or clothes, resulting in the media's
bestowing on her the sobriquet of "self-styled witch." Her look can
most charitably be described as "natural," running toward all-cotton
clothing (somewhat crumpled),T-shirts with feminist messages, profuse
body and facial hair, and Birkenstocks. Favorite color: unbleached.
Favorite flavor: consensus.
•
The Hippie Witch: There
are two subtypes, the Oldies and the GenNexters. Both favor ethnic fabrics,
tie-dyed Chi pants, Birkenstocks or fringed boots with silver concho
buttons up the sides, Indian bedspread prints, patchouli, Grateful DeadT-shirts,
facial hair, braids, and tons of silver and crystal jewelry hung from
neck, arms, nose, ears, and other appendages. Equally divided between
male and female. The Oldies are original holdovers from the Sixties
who have persisted in their style; the GenNexters are (one must assume)
either their children or their young clones. Where do they get the hippie
accoutrements? Rumor has it that an enormous stash, put away in a basement
twenty-five years ago, was recently uncovered. Favorite color: rainbow.
Favorite flavor: organically grown additive-free complete protein smart
drugs.
• The Anachronist Witch:
found mostly in the SCA, at the Ren Faire, and other fantasy playgrounds,
this type longs to go back to the days when the main causes of death
were the Black Plague and the Inquisition, men were Horned Gods and
women were Witches, and you could go out in the woods, get shitface
drunk, and screw, without worrying about what to do with the beercans,
or catching anything worse than the pox. Both sexes usually hairy and
fat; the women tend to enjoy letting it (almost) all hang out when clothed.
This group usually conducts rituals skyclad (not a pretty sight). Favorite
color: Sherwood Green. Favorite perfume: funky.
New-Style Witches
•
The Metal Witch: Doc
Marten shitkicker boots, black tights, Helios Creed T-shirt, black leather
jacket, lots of attitude. Hair: black, white, or bald. Eye makeup: the
rubbed-in-with-a-dirty-thumb effect. Females add to this basic look
a microminiskirt in some stretch material. A meaner, more gritty look
than the High-Style type. Skull jewelry in silver; pierced nipples and
other appendages. Young; pasty complexions. This look is seen on very
skinny men and women, and a few plump females. Favorite color: black.
Favorite flavor: intense.
•
The High-Style Witch:
Noted chiefly for hair dyed colors not occurring in nature and supported
in its vertical position by extensive use of gel, mousse, styling mud,
hairspray, and/or unflavored gelatin; massive shoulder pads, giving
the characterictic V-shaped look; ornate belts and thigh-high boots;
spandex pants; eye makeup for DAYS. The general effect is that of an
effete Klingon in full drag. The best-looking specimens of this type
are tall thin males who are built like clothes hangers; the natural
curves of the female figure are not flattered by this style, which can
be worn only by a few anorexics. Seen more and more at Pagan gatherings
and festivals, this is a look to watch for. Favorite color: iridescent.
Favorite flavor: epicene.
Then, of course, there's
the No-Style Witch-- but let's not talk about her.
In full ritual drag and feeling my oats.