Midlife: Crisis?
by Valerie Walker
CNL Beltaine 90
I've been thinking for some time about my incipient Cronehood; in fact, it's become the main focus of my studies for a master's degree. Right now I'm in the process of constructing a HyperCard stack on osteoporosis, the condition in which people's (usually women's) bones get porous and soft and fragile, leading to breakage, disability, and in many cases, death. You know, all those old people who fall, break a hip, then die of pneumonia? Well, actually, their bones are so fragile, they break the hip just by standing up, then fall, THEN die. It's also a large source of disfigurement: why are little old ladies little? Because they shrink, due to osteoporosis, so their ribs end up sitting on their pelvic bones.
Not pleasant; but not entirely unavoidable. If people will start taking care of themselves earlier in life, old age does not need to be as tortuous as it seems. Midlife--the thirties, forties, and fifties--is certainly not too early to begin. The following is taken directly from my Osteoporosis stack, which is aimed at women aged 30 to 50. If the ritual, etc., seem a little generic, it's because my target population is not necessarily Witch or even Pagan. Many of these women are not used to, or are even afraid of the word "Crone." I'm trying to do what I can to motivate them to accept the Crone, respect Her, and even (dare it be said?) love Her.
Midlife is in some ways as traumatic as adolescence: if you are female, not only are you going through physical changes, but you probably have to be the caregiver for both your children and your parents. Midlife people are the "sandwich generation"--and midlife women are the majority of caregivers. So you need to take care of yourself, too, and not just in physical ways.
Many of us have older parents, who have been partially or completely disabled by osteoporosis and other diseases which come from misuse and disuse. They serve as negative role models in that many of them have been subsisting on inadequate diets inadequate for years, and few of them are accustomed to be physically active. Many of them are smokers, and many drink. (Alcohol, smoking, and caffeine are all risk factors for osteoporosis as well as heart disease and cancer.)
It is easy to say, "well, just kick the habit!", but the problem is not so simple. These habits begin when young, and are harder to break the older one gets. Elders, who may have been overusing or even abusing these toxins for years, are at greatest risk. It is difficult for them to give up their few pleasures, and a cup of coffee, a smoke, or a drink is more than the mere intake of a chemical substance. It is a social ritual, and for people whose social roles have dwindled into the underclass of the old, these social rituals become even more important than they did when they were merely adjuncts to life as a fully-functioning member of society.
It is not pleasant to contemplate this as a picture of your own old age. The time to quit is NOW. But, with all the other stresses and responsibilities you have in midlife, especially as a midlife woman, it sometimes feels as if the entire world is resting on your shoulders. You're not crazy--it IS a lot of responsibility. But you don't have to get into crisis mode. There are things you can do. Here are some suggestions:
• One thing you can do for yourself (aside from working on your diet, exercise, smoking, and so on) is to get together with other people who are in the same boat. I recently joined a midlife women's support group, which we call "The Menotones." We meet at each others' homes twice a month. Each one of us get a chance to talk about what's going on with her, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There is a lot of conversation about menopause and its effects, since most of us are either into it or approaching it; but it is far from the only subject of conversation. We laugh, we cry, we sympathize, we cackle with glee. These funny, talented, intelligent and interesting people have become a source of real support and encouragement to me. You might want to try getting together with other women--it's still true that Sisterhood is Powerful.
• Another thing you can do to take care of yourself is to use your solitary time as a way of spiritual growth. While you take a bath, for example, do it by candlelight, burn a little incense, and meditate. Pray to whatever forces you believe run the universe; tap in to cosmic energy for self-renewal. Even if you only have time for a brief shower, feel the water washing away all the psychic crud as well as the dirt. A cup of water can be the ocean, into which you mentally throw all the things you don't need or want in your life. Then ask the ocean to return it to you as energy you can use, and take a sip.
• Stop and smell the roses. Take a breather every so often during the day to step back from whatever you're doing and look at the immensity of the universe (after a session in the cadaver lab in Human Anatomy class, I used to go to the media center at school and check out videotapes of "Cosmos"), or, conversely, look very closely at a flower or a leaf. Think about the fact that we are just about halfway beween the biggest things in the universe (galaxy clusters) and the smallest (subatomic particles). Gaze at the moon. Write a poem. Draw a picture.
• Orient yourself. Face each of the four directions in turn and think about these things:
• East: the powers of the mind, the pleasures of the intellect, the keenness of your mind in cutting like a knife between the true and the false.
• South: the powers of the will, the strong urge to achieve and master, the fine electricity that burns along your neural pathways.
• West: the powers of emotion, the sweep and rush of feeling, the flow of your blood from your heart to your whole body to your heart again.
• North: the powers of the body, the strength and sturdiness of your muscles, one creature of earth among the whole family.
• And the center: you are at the center of your world. When you know where you are in the world, you know who you are.
• Feel beautiful. Greet the Maiden in you that was you as a young girl; the Mother in you that has nurtured so many others; the Crone in you that is being born. Look at your face in the mirror, and say sincerely, "I love you."
In full ritual drag and feeling my oats.